Log Blog

I only had to hold the brush in angry hands and splatter red paint in protest . I did not have to paint this picture this morning; only strip the canvas naked and scream.

The day was worse. Too much pain by far, for anyone to handle. Thirteen years and another few hours spent holding her, pressing my body up against hers, under the quilt, holding her head as if to protect her.

It is bad, ME. It is this serious.

This picture; so serene isn't it ?

I am too far gone to care anymore, so I will tell you what it reminds me off.

The Crucifixion.

Log Blog

Someone once pointed out that Jesus promised those that follow him three things : that they would be absurdly happy, utterly fearless and always in trouble.

The daily reality for my wife and I is constant illness, grinding pain and poverty, so our happiness seems absurd , yet it is bubbling over.

As for being fearless, well the opposite of love is not hate, but fear. The prerequisite to effective activism is to fall in love first, it is said, for you are much more likely to be coming from a whole position.

My own ongoing battle with fear and inadequacy is testament , you could argue, to where I am on the spiritual path !

It is the third promise though, that I find most interesting : "always in trouble". For that , I can see, is at the heart of so much of my self-imposed limitations.

A constant, deep level is that feeling that I have done something wrong, Ever since I have been married - and probably long before, there is a nagging feeling that I have not come up to my family's expectations : to take care of them, I think.

So my relationship with my family is not real. And that is a great shame - in all senses of the word.

Also I discover that if you take a stand in life and genuinely try to fight for a cause, as I and so many others are doing, you are quickly made to feel you are in some kind of trouble :

for your views
your actions
your dreams even

and this more often than not, from your own side, rather than the opposition.

Again and again it is fear - fear of change, fear of risk, fear of failure.

So they will betray you with a kiss.

Even so, love is triumphant !

Log Blog

I just had to go to the sea last night. On a deserted beach, our backs to the wind I breathed deeply.

They say you are never closer to God that when you are enthusiastic : en-theos, filled with the Spirit . For you are following your call. Even so, one needs much more than enthusiasm to keep going more than a few steps

I am riddled with doubt and fear.

I have taken on a major leadership role in the fight for ME recognition. My enthusiasm for the task is white hot.

I know I have much to offer.

Yet so many old fears ; Abraham Maslow calls it the Jonah Comples :

"The evasion of one's own growth, the setting of low levels of aspiration, the fear of doing what one is capable of doing, voluntary self-crippling, pseudo-stupidity, mock humility."

For the ego wants to protect itself. Play safe. Find a good excuse to crawl under the blankets and give up, especially now I have started.

So yes, I am wracked with all kind of worries that I am going to get it wrong and mess up.

But I sit on this beach with the one I love and I know have done some things right.

Maybe it is because I am a bit older and wiser .

I distinctly see the tricky troubler for who he is and I am wise to his game.

Log Blog

My children's book; this is the main character. It was an extraordinary experience to bring him, and some of the others to life through oils. I worked incredibly fast and the face simply emerged, looking at me with pleading eyes. Let me live ! He asks,

that's all...

I try my best. But I need a better routine. The book is almost complete - yet there are miles to go yet. It is very rough and ready. So exciting though. He has faced , is still undergoing all manner of nail biting dilemmas. Of course he comes through; at the time none of us know how.

The writing process is beyond conscious thought. If I stand back , I will often find myself saying, this is too far-fetched, come on, but, if, when I dare to enter into the adventure, it creates the unexpected and that is when the story sings along.

What a place to be !

The unexpected.

Truly the characters tell their stories through the fingers; I place my head to one side to listen and my fingers are flying. I have never been taught to type but these fingers know where each key is, without conscious thought. How do they do that ? How does one write a book ? How does one live their dream ?

How do you fall in love deeper and deeper without end ?

If I thought about it, I could not tell you.

But I know someone who can !!

Log Blog

These pebbles , hundreds of millions of years old will still be smiling in the sun ten thousand years from now ;

us ?

I think of all that has got in the way of my enjoying these stones ; religion,

education,

family :

they have all f' .ed me up; in God's name.

Old story .

Christ, there is much more to taking God's name in vain than simply swearing.

So it has taken me a long, long time to stand here. To realise that the love I have for this place and the woman by my side, my never ending love affair with the sea and the sky,

my music, my art,

my defiance,

mad Smithy,

(all thanks to lixtroll for the life-changing insight !)

that this where God is;

the Heart of Love,

that this is what prayer is .



In ten thousand years

these pebbles

will still be smiling.

A Practice blog from my wife.

Sometimes the best place is just where you are, because just where you are is incredibly special - it’s the place to be .

Often we imagine that we want to do something particular , to go some other place, to be doing some other thing. It is probably the motivating factor to movement!

But when you have ME, life changes in its nature. It has to become much more simple and totally and utterly flexible. What you want ,hope ,imagine or think you want to do ,are not necessarily achievable or possible for you any time soon or ever, even simple things, like washing your hair, having a bath, going to a restaurant, walking down your street, posting a letter or making a phone call. Even seeing the sun rise.

Life then may seem utterly frustrating, totally hopeless and almost impossible to bear, and it is like that if you cannot enter into every moment and say thank you God, this is an opportunity, not a limitation. I don’t have to do that particular thing afterall, I will do whatever it is I can achieve right now, even if that is, in appearance ,absolteluy nothing. To not do anything is a way to find inner peace and calm. It is infact to bless the universe and all people even if you can’t get out to meet any of them.

My husband is one such person who approaches each day with enthusiasm and excitement. He has to be infinitely flexible because I cannot predict anything I can do. He has to be spontaneous. He has to respond in the moment or the moment is lost often. Yet he always does this with the most beautiful radiant smile on his face. He always looks for the highest path in any moment. He always and I mean always responds in love ...and it is that which has made all the difference to me coping with my illness. I desperately wanted to go out today. There were about twominutes if that , when it seemed I possibly could go.

Unfortunately he was unavailable and I ended up back in bed unable to breathe, unable to stand or sit even and completely dizzy and disorientated. Realistically , of course , I could not have gone out anyway , i would have got in the car and 2 seconds later , even if I had got that far , he would have had to stop and turn back and I would have ended up in bed anyway.

Disappointment can alwaysbe turned to joy though, when held in the heart of love - and truly that is where he holds me - for he waited and he held me and when I was able , he made me a lovely snack and a cafetiere of piping hot coffee and we sat in our ‘Cottage Cafe ‘garden - and we had such a lovely precious time. No other place would have done. We were here all the time. And it was just perfect......

Log Blog

There is only the sea and the beach. No one else, just us two and dog, coffee and a blanket.

There is only the wind and the sun and the feel of my body running, the bark of the dog. Gulls.

The day left behind, the book on hold, but not the pain.

Seeking some escape, where there is none. But I hold her, young with the power of the ocean, her face aglow. And the sea is so much bigger.

Two cups of coffee on the pebbles.

My feet too cold to feel; here let me warm them for you, she says.

Just after five.

Log Blog

One accessory you will never see featured in Country Living : cheap plastic flowers, bunches of 'em. Skirmishing my way past the stall, I looked down my nose.

Who buys these things ?

Well, country folk , they must do. And the rubbish cakes, the brassy clothing and the hotdogs. Throw in another five pound extra love for only 50p .

Oi love you take your clothes and I'll take mine orf !! Country folk laughing and applauding the auctioneer. Some character, he shifts the biggest load of faded toys, broken printers, knackered chairs so skilfully you wish you had a pound on you.

For it is not often we do. We share a packet of chips, open, and one fishcake. By the time we have brought a delphinium plant, a few seeds four kitchen rolls and chews for the dog , we are wiped out .

I pop into Woolworths and think what CD I will buy one day.

Swaffham market , not Burnham Market, plastic flowers not David Austin.

Country living mate.